Your Inner Critic Isn't a Bug. It's a Weapon.

Speaker A: 00:00:37

I got a confession for you, and it is that my inner critic, the voice in my head is a loud son of a bitch. And I'm talking about the voice that is constantly telling me I can do better. Hey, that's a good workout.

You can work out harder or you're doing okay on food, but, you know, look at the food law. Like, dude, you know, you can be eating better, less. You know, maybe one less margarita here and there. Like, it's.

And, you know, constantly, like, picking at it. You know, it says, you can be a better dad. You can be more present or at work, you can be more focused, you can get more done.

You can be more productive. Like, I've got this voice that is in my head constantly telling me that I can do better. And it's nagging me. I used to criticize the critic, right?

Like, I used to actually like that voice. I used to think my job, part of my job was to get rid of that voice or it was to quiet that voice or to temper that voice.

And it stemmed from my belief, at least my perception that there's, like, a societal norm today that says constantly criticizing yourself, like, it's not. It's not good mental health, that it's.

It's more air quote, healthy if you can learn to be content, learn to love yourself as you are, learn to be more, you know, more compassionate to yourself, accept the. The imperfections, and, you know, you don't have to push yourself all the time, right?

So that's kind of been not drilled into my head, but that's kind of what I've. What I've believed the norm is supposed to be, right? Based on what I've read, who I. Who I listen to, things like that.

And it led me to constantly trying to. To fight the inner critic. Like, constantly criticizing the critic and. And trying to change it.

And every time I did, like, the more that I tried to change it, the more that I tried to quiet it, it made things worse. Like, it created more disruption in my. In my head, because now I. I not only have the critic.

Like, that didn't go away, but now I have this thing that says, hey, that critic is not right either. So, like, you're. I'm layering on. On top of each other. And I finally realized that my inner critic is a feature, is not a bug.

It is something that is part of me. It is part of my system. It is not a bug to be fixed or something to be silenced or something to be, you know, taken out.

It's something to le to be leaned into. And the reason I. I came to this conclusion was personally, right? Like, I. I can't speak for other people. I can just tell you.

But for me, that inner critic, the one that was constantly pushing me and constantly telling me to raise the bar and raise the standard and do better, do more is what I credit to jumping literal generations of change for my family and for my life, right? Like this is. And I'm talking about, you know, growing up with multiple divorces, growing up with an absent father, growing up in.

In broken homes, you know, being split up from my sister. We didn't have any money. Nobody really had much education in my family. Like, all of these things were what I was. I was raised with.

There was alcoholism, there was addiction, there was abuse. There were like, all of this. This where I am today, you know, is that it's not to.

It's not to brag, but it's to say, like, I'm happily married to the mother of my kids. I. And I adore my wife. And we have a solid foundation, a nuclear family. She's an incredible homemaker. Our boys are. Are happy. They are healthy.

They know nothing of the instability that. That I had or the experience that I had growing up or that my sisters had. You know, I've got an MBA from a top private school.

I graduated summa cum laude. I got invited to Beta Gamma Sigma.

Obviously, I got my bachelor's degree before that, but I went from a family that has virtually no education, no college into it, to an MBA from a top private school. We're raising our family in Cabo. We travel probably three months a year.

This year alone, we've been to France, we've been to Italy, we've been to Spain. We've been to Virginia to see family. Texas to see family. We've been to Florida to see family. And it's like we travel all the time.

We have, like, we don't want for. For very much. And I think about where I am today, and it's. It's a lifestyle, it's a life that I almost couldn't dream of as a kid.

I attribute a big part of that huge leap to the fact that I didn't accept lower standards, right? That I knew I could do better, that I, like, I had this voice that said, no, like, this is not for you. You can fucking do better. You will do better.

There are going to be no excuses. You know what? Maybe that voice in my head is. Maybe it can get annoying. Maybe it can get frustrating. Maybe at times, I'm like, damn, dude.

Like, this is exhausting. Like, but you know what? It's also the thing that drove. That completely changed the trajectory of.

Of my entire family and led me from where I was growing up to building the thing, the life that I have for my wife and for my kids. If that voice is the one that drives me, then it's not a bad thing, right? Like, there's no sense criticizing the critic.

Like, I should actually say, hey, thanks, man. Like, even if it's been. Even if you've been a little bit of an ass whip for a while, like, thank you.

I finally realized that criticizing the critic for me was unhealthy. Like, it wasn't going away. No matter the amount of energy or effort or work that I put in to try to silence it, the shit wasn't going away.

So why not just turn it into a superpower? Now, there's two things that I would say I. I did to turn my critic into a strength. First of all, one was just accept it.

Like, accept that's who I am. And I don't expect everybody listening this to this, like, to completely relate. I get it. And that's okay with me.

I know what I want is not what most people want, right? Like, I know that my standards are higher.

I know that when I think of the expectation I have for myself in terms of health, in terms of fitness, in terms of business, in terms of being, you know, present with my family, I understand. Like, I want a lot. And my ambitions and my goals and my dreams might be significantly higher than everyone else's.

And as a result, I've got to do things that everyone else won't necessarily do. So when I say the critic is pushing me to do these things, and everyone goes, but, dude, you're like, you eat better than everyone I know.

You exercise more than everyone I already know you. Your business is doing really great relative to most. I go, I know. I get it. But, you know, like, I hold myself to a higher standard, and I don't.

I don't need the validation from everyone else. So I've just accepted that the critic is good for me and that most people won't understand it, and that is okay.

And what I don't need to take is other people's confusion or misunderstanding, my own relationship with my. With. With how I deal with this. Not everybody's gonna get it. And. And if I.

If I manage to change the way that I think to the way that everybody else thinks, or if I change it to the mean or to the average I wouldn't be where I am today. My kids wouldn't be where they are today. And it like, so again, I'm good with it. I accept it. I'm not gonna fight is there.

And leaning into it was like the first, the first thing that, that really helps me. And I mean, leaning into it while accepting that other people wouldn't get it right.

And then the second thing, and this is, this is an important caveat like this, there is some nuance to this and it's that the inner critic to me, the voice in my head is telling me where my actions can be better, my behaviors can be better, my standards can be better. But me as a person, I'm not earning my worth by doing this. It's not like, hey, if I don't eat better today, well, you're a shitbox, Ray.

Like, you, like, you're, you're terrible.

Or if I, you know, end up having to work 16 hours today and don't get to do the thing that I wanted with my kids, like, oh man, you're a terrible dad now.

Like, it's just, it's what I do is use it to raise the standards of my actions, my behaviors, my habits, but don't allow it to permeate into my actual full self worth or a feeling of me not being enough if I don't do these things. And that's a really important piece of this because I can accept that like my actions will probably never be enough, right?

Like, okay, the critic's going to be there for, in perpetuity. Let's just accept that. Don't fight it. But that doesn't mean that I'm not enough as, as a person.

Like, so there's a, there's a big difference to me is between I am enough as a person and my performance and habits can always improve and I am not enough as a person. And until my performance and habits improve, right? Like, that's a, that's a very important distinction.

And it's what enables me to maintain the voice and embrace the voice without feeling like I'm, you know, doing like screwing up my mental health or up my, my sense of self worth. Like, I am still whole, I am still good.

I'm still, that's not to get like, woo, woo on you, but if you are going to say, listen, I'm going to always push like it's never going to be enough. And once I get to that thing, guess what? I know myself well enough to know that there's going to be another thing. There's going to be another level.

There's going to be another mountain. There's going to be like I'm just going to accept that that's who I am and I'm going to lean into the fact and embrace it.

That, hey, that's probably why I get the results that I get. However, what I can't do as a person is say I'm not good enough until I do these things because that's a. It's a trap anyway.

I'm going to raise the level next time. I'm going to raise the level next time. I'm going to raise the level next time.

So I can't wait until I reach some finish line to say, dude, you are whole and you are you are good with yourself. This is purely in actions and in behaviors thing.

So that's been my that's been my experience wanted to share that in case it's in case it's helpful for you.

Many of you I know it won't you you'll go to there's something wrong with you and that's that's perfectly fine but for those of you that might help, I hope it did. Adios.